Uhm, idk what I’m doing?

My name is Adrian,
and I can’t adult.

You know, I’m not really sure what the statistics are for people like me–those people that can’t seem to figure out how to do it. 

Ya know, the really hard stuff like how to grow the hell up already, keep a job, get promotions or raises or whatever, have and take care of a family, pay bills, maintain a valid checking account, own a vehicle, have a bad day without bawling in the fetal position under blankets like the world is out to destroy the little happy light inside you, etc. Sounds difficult, huh?

Nope.

I know it shouldn’t. I should have my act together. I should be able to hold a job longer than 6 months (which is not even something that occurs regularly or semi-often…). I should be able to cook a meal. On the stove. With….tools and stuff. Yeah. I should be able to make a decent decision every now and then. But nope, I am incapable of the simple task we have all been burdened with: living.

I know I sound like I am pitying myself. I sound so negative, but I’m not trying to be. I just want to tell you who I am. I am a 26-year-old failure. I have bipolar disorder and borderline personality disorder, along with a slew of other diagnoses, and well-it hasn’t been very easy for my brain to figure out that it’s time to be responsible. My logic and thought processes began to shift when I was 23 years old, after I had attended a 30-day residential rehab program for a crystal meth problem. (Oh yeah, I’m an addict in recovery, also.) It wasn’t immediate. It wasn’t even really related to sobriety or anything like that. For whatever reason, I just started realizing that there is nothing I can do but take steps towards where I am supposed to be. That’s ALL I can do. So that’s when I started trying my damn hardest to take those steps. I had a man I loved very much by my side fighting with me. We started with nothing. We built so much together. We created a life.

Well, I fucked it all up. I ruined it. And now I am back at square one. Trying to become an adult again and keep it together longer than 2 months this time. I am really fucking depressed and defeated and emotionally exhausted. I don’t want to fucking keep having to try so damn hard just to maintain some minimal level of mediocrity, but I’ll do whatever it takes to just keep going… I have to just push forward.

I keep to-do lists so I can keep my progression towards whatever is next on track at a very, very baby-step level. I do it mainly to keep myself moving. If I let my mind rest too long, I will fall deep into a dark place. I spent a lot of time there recently. and I’m not going back anytime soon if I can help it.

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